[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
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Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
A leaf blower, but for people.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this