As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
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Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.