Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
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“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
The fall of Netflix
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
I didn’t realize that was an option
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
house sitting!