Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
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*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
That took me a moment.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes