them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
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[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.