My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
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My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving