Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
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If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Smile they said.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.