Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
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Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
My god she’s good.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Friends that check up on you >
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!