[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
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John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
War & Peace
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
The human personality is made of five key elements
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.