Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
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Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.