Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
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My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
men are simple creatures
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Can’t, holding a grudge
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.