Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
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He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal