Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
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Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
lol
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.