taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
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Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
🤣
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.