Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
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I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
the greatest twitter interaction
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.