Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
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My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?