Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
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Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
584.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.