I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
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My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Ha.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
hear me out : pockets for your socks
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.