“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
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Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you