Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
You Might Also Like
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought