I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
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That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
reminder
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”