Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
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When you try jalapeños for the first time
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
My Sentiments Exactly
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
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I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.