[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
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I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Oh we’ve met.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
I don’t think my car can fly
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)