I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
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Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
True.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge