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My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
How do dragons blow out candles?
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Spring cleaning checklist…
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you