My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
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Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Noah was an idiot.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.