Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
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I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.