How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
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Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”