[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
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After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
who called it hell and not heaven’t
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Mornin
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”