[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
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Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
bias laundering edition
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion