Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
You Might Also Like
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Why am I like this?
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.