EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
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12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”