Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
IT’S-A ME,
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂