she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
You Might Also Like
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
That’s it.I’m out.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Meowchelangelo
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea