dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
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Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Said the murderer.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Thursday
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.