How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
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Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
excuse me
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Gods work.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.