Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
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Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁