Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
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[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.