I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
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*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
whenever i wake up before my alarm
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.