My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
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the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
he was correct
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.