I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
You Might Also Like
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?