The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
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I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Never let them know your next move 😂
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
thinking about a very short hotdog
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise