[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
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When I laugh on my period
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
😂😂😂
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.