Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
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People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Yes my dude
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.