5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
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20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Extremely relatable.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…