If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
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My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
oh you wanna fight?!
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?