[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
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Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in