*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
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Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.