Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
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Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it