Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
You Might Also Like
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
We all have our pet causes.